Getting to know somebody new, their likes and dislikes, their quirks and habits and preferences in the bedroom – and then there’s the small talk in the morning – it’s a minefield. Have you slept with a lady/guy who just woke up the next day and didn’t comment about what happened last night? Very rare….

And while it’s easy to pretend that you loved every second, when it comes to sex with someone new for the first time there are certain things all women think, but would never dream of saying.

From the size of your manhood to unexpected noises – 20 things all women think the first time they have sex with you.

1. I wonder if he’s as nervous as I am

Let’s face it, it doesn’t matter how many dutch courage John Doe’s you’ve necked, it’s still the *first time*.

2. We’re kissing, should I touch his willy?

3. Oh, it’s big

We don’t judge, but we do notice. Not all girls like a big willy (pain, cystitis, need I go on?), but all girls register your position on the chart.

4. Ditto your balls

Vary immensely and will be noted accordingly.

5. And your pubes

Some men have a forest some men are bald as a coot. There’s no right or wrong, but your topiary preferences won’t go unnoticed.

6. Please don’t try and carry me to the bedroom

Because we don’t care how much you work out, lifting us up semi-naked while trying to navigate your way down a dimly lit hall is never going to end well.

7. Thank God, I’m horizontal

…And can resume the most flattering position available.

8. Is he a diver?

And do I have ingrowns?

9. I’m enjoying this, I am enjoying this …

Read: totally not enjoying this. You know the popular saying about ladies right? Almost every yes they say means no and vice versa. I wish he’d turn the lights down and stop ‘examining’ my vagina before he goes to work.

20 things all girls think the first time they have sex with you11. Condoms

Shall I bring it up or shall you?

12. Quantum physics

Of which you could have done a degree in, in the time it feels you’ve waited for him to put it on.

12. Conversation

Do I chat while he does it, or just lie here and try to look sexy?

13. I hope we ‘fit’

15. What did he just say?

Oh man, he’s a talker.

15. S**t, I’ve got cramp

16. S**t, I’m going to fart

17. S**t, I’m due on

18. When is he going to come?

Maybe I’m not groaning enough, perhaps I should turn over, stroke his balls, play with myself…

19. Ok, that’s a weird noise

Oh crap, it was my vagina.

20. ‘How was it for you?’